Jewish Jokes

Why did Hitler kill himself?
The Jews sent him a gas bill!

Have you heard of the Jewish “Catch 22″?
Free Ham!

What’s the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
Pizzas don’t scream when they are put in the oven!

What’s the difference between a catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery!

What’s the difference between a Jew and a canoe?
A canoe tips!

What’s the difference between Santa Claus and a Jew?
Santa Claus goes down the chimney.

I asked a jewish girl for her number. She rolled up her sleeve.

Why do Jews have such big noses?
Because air is free!

What’s the difference between karate and judo?
Karate is a method of self defence and judo is what bagels are made of!

What do Jewish women make for dinner?

One day a Jewish grandmother had taken her grandson to the beach for a play when suddenly a huge wave washed over the infant and pulled him out to sea. The distraught grandmother fell down on her knees, and sobbed, “Please God, don’t let my grandson die, please, he is my only grandson! He is the future of my family, please return him to me safely!” Instantly another huge wave rolls the infant back onto the beach and the grandmother looks up to the sky and said, “He had a hat!”

How do you know when your on a Jewish golf course?
The players don’t yell ‘FORE’ they yell ‘$3.99!’

How do you get 100 jews into a car?
Throw a quarter in it.
How do you get them out again?
Tell them Hilter is driving.

What language does a Jewish homo speak?
What’s faster than a speeding bullet?
A jew with a coupon.

‘There is safety in numbers’
Unless there are 6,000,000 of you.
And you are all Jews.

Why are Jewish synagogues round?
So they cant hide in the corner when the collection box comes round!

Did you hear about the Jewish Santa Claus?
He came down the chimney and said “Do you want to buy some presents kiddies?”

What’s the difference between boy scouts and Jews?
Boy scouts come back from their camps.

I just went to a Jewish furniture store as they were offering 0% finance for upto 10 years!
“That’s great!” I said as I signed the contract. “When will it be delivered?”
“When you’ve paid the balance” he smiled.

I used to work for a Jewish carpenter.
He used to check my fingers for splinters to make sure I wasn’t stealing.

There wouldn’t be any Jews in America if they hadn’t heard about the right of free speech.

I went to a fancy dress party the other day dressed as Adolf Hitler.
Everyone thought it was hilarious.
Until they found three dead Jews in the shower.

Why don’t Jews eat pork?
Jews may be a lot of things but cannibals they are not!

Two Jews were sitting on a pier passing the time of day. The first Jew puts his feet in the water and cries, “It’s cold, it’s cold!” The second Jew puts his nose in and screams, “It’s fucking deep too!”

Hitler may have killed 6 million Jews, but he sure as fucking hell saved the History channel.

Why do pregnant Jews always go for Cesarian section?
Because they`re tight cunts.

Two Jewish businessmen were discussing insurance. “You need fire insurance, burglary insurance and flood insurance.”
“The fire and theft and burglary I can understand,” said the other, “but the flood insurance? How do you start a flood?”

I can’t believe the judge said I was a particularly ruthless kidnapper and a disgrace to the Jewish community.
All because I added shipping and handling charges to the ransom note.

More funny racist jokes coming!

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10 thoughts on “Jewish Jokes

  1. Horse Anus

    Q: What is the proper blessing to recite before logging on to the Internet?
    A: “Modem anachnu loch…”

    Q: If a doctor carries a black leather bag and a plumber carries a box of tools, what does a mohel carry?
    A: A bris kit.

    Q: What do you call the steaks ordered by ten Jewish men?
    A: Fillet minyan.

    Q: What kind of cheese melts on a piece of matza to make a passover pizza?
    A: Matzarello

    Q: What do you call an uncircumcised Jew who is more than 8 days old?
    A: A girl.

    Q: What did the waiter ask the group of Jewish mothers?
    A: “Is anything OK?”

    Q: Where does Moshe hide money from his wife Sadie?
    A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

    Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take the change a light bulb?
    A: (Sigh) Don’t bother, I’ll sit in the dark, I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody.


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